Is this normal?

I’ve been asking myself that question a lot lately.

Like right now, I have the urge to go the city and see my favorite DJ play this weekend. I don’t have tickets, people to go with or a place to stay. But I figured those things will just work themselves out. I mean, what else do I have going on this Saturday?

Am I being impulsive? Am I starting to become hypomanic? Or…am I just a gal excited about seeing her favorite artist play?

#bipolarproblems

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On being selfish.

Having a mental illness and wanting to focus on recovery/ healing makes me feel so…selfish.

I feel bad canceling commitments, saying “no”, and staying away from people I used to be close to.

But what other choice do I have?

For the first time in my life, I need to focus on me. My healing. My future. I need to make choices that won’t lead to extra stressors..because for my bipolar brain, these extra stressors may lead to depression or hypomania.

I have to say no to helping others because I need to help myself first. I have to stay away from those that bring me down, regardless of how “close” we used to be. I simply cannot go out and drink all night anymore. I simply cannot go dancing till 4 a.m. I need to get good sleep, eat right and exercise.

I have to disappoint and possibly hurt people in order to get better. And that terrifies me.  But I’m also at a point where my mental health means more. I know I can never fully “recover”, but I can get pretty damn close.

I’m worth it.

Well last night was fun.

I woke up last night around 11 pm, buzzing with energy. I knew that I simply could not go back to bed. So I didn’t. I baked, I cleaned, did laundry, answered work emails. And I also wrote some emails…at 3:30 am. One was to my best friend, telling her about my diagnosis (she still hasn’t responded yet and that’s making me quite anxious/ sad). The other was to my therapist, haha… needless to say, he ask why the heck I was up so late and if I was okay.

I told him I was, and I truly am. I enjoy hypomania and this latest episode has been quite prolific and productive. My co-workers certainly enjoyed the baked goods I brought them. One of them also asked if I was manic as a joke…little do they know!

During times like these, it feels good to have a secret thats just mine. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, I’ve been up for almost 24 hours at this point. I’ve barely eaten. There is a big snow storm coming and I offered one of my co-workers who lives far away my guest room. I probably shouldn’t have done that…

I know that I need good quality sleep tonight and food.

So that’s what I’m going to focus on at the moment. I’m not sure if the hypomania will calm down tonight. I sure as hell would rather NOT be up for another night. But who knows. I’ll let it run it’s course. This is just me, it’s a part of who I am. I’m slowly learning to be okay with it. 🙂

Oh insomnia.

1 a.m. and wide awake. I hope this isn’t the start of a hypomanic episode, though it probably is. So far, I’ve started making an apple galette from scratch and answered all my work emails for later today. My co-workers already know I’m crazy so I guess it won’t be too much of a surprise when they see the 1 a.m. time stamp :-). I’m so glad I’m no longer a student, work at least keeps me on a schedule… only 7 more hours to go!

I must admit that I do enjoy these nights.

Everything is quiet and still. There is a sense of peace that you rarely find during the day time.

Lady in red: feeling seductive.

lady_in_red.

* * *

I wake up about 3 hours before my alarm, refreshed.  In the shower, I make sure to shave my legs…and my privates. Every part of me needs to be smooth to the touch.

I soothe my warm body with a lotion that claims to smell like rose and lavender. I do my hair, perfectly. My makeup is on point: not too much, just a little touch up of my best features. My outfit is well coordinated and hugs me in all the right places.  (And the color…well, it’s always red.)

…and then I realize I still have about 2 more hours until I have to get to work. 

But that doesn’t get me down. What is time, anyway? I make some coffee but forget to drink it. I don’t know what hungry feels like anymore.

I’m making plans. So many fucking plans! I know how to turn my career around, I know the people I need to get in touch with. Emails are sent. Facebook is reactivated…because well, I’m fucking social again! I want to connect with everyone and everything. Humanity isn’t doomed after all… I may have figured out a way to save it.

One more hour till work. 

I rip off my red dress and pull my hair back. I climb into bed and wake him up. First, just kissing. He tells me to go away. He’s sleeping. But of course, I don’t. I kiss his neck and he tries to resist. But I know he can’t. I work my way down from his chest, to his stomach, to his very happy dick. Good morning. 

I can feel my co-workers checking me out as I walk into work. I look pretty fucking amazing. That just fucked flush in my cheeks compliments my red dress quite well.

My boss tells me I’m on point today. That I’m doing a fantastic job. All I’m thinking is how much I want to fuck him in the bathroom. And then once again in his office. I smile and walk away. If only he knew. 

I tackle my work projects with efficiency and grace. My co-workers ask me what I’m on and start laughing. I laugh with them, maybe a little too much. I can’t sit still. How can I work in this shitty place when I have so many plans? I need to log all of my ideas into my phone before it’s too late.  I can’t forget. I have to follow through this time.

How the heck am I home already? Where did the day go? I miss him. I wish he wasn’t away on business. Why does he always enjoy leaving me? Maybe I should eat something. No, porn first. I wish I had the guts to go out to a bar and meet a stranger, but hey, this will do.

Somehow it’s midnight already and I’ve written four short stories, drafted a business plan and organized my closet. Need to sleep. But still not tired. This can’t go on tomorrow. God I hope I don’t crash. I can’t wait until my psychiatrist prescribes me something for sleep. Maybe if I just climb into bed…

Racing thoughts.

2 am. 3 am. 4 a.m.

Rise and shine.