I think the biggest obstacle for me going forward is going to be figuring out what the fuck I’m feeling. I know I’m overanalyzing and perhaps others can chime in on their experiences with this. I literally don’t know what I’m feeling. Is what I’m feeling normal? Is it the start of something more sinister? Will I make it out of bed tomorrow or will tonight be one of those nights…and is that okay?
I would classify yesterday as a good day. I was calm, serene, level headed.
This morning, I could barely get out of bed.
Does that mean I’m falling back into the clutches of depression? Or does it mean that it’s simply Monday and I’m like everyone else struggling to get going?
Perhaps I’m trying hard to cling to the notion that I’m like everyone else. All I’ve ever wanted is to be accepted, but I’ve always been an outlier. And this diagnosis makes me even more so. (It’s the bipolar diagnosis I’m having trouble with, not borderline for whatever reason).
I’m not surprised by my diagnosis. I’ve known for a long time. I just didn’t want to get help. The hypomania is… seductive. I feel like I’m on top of the world. I’m charming, beautiful, creative. Why would I want that to end?
It’s the depression that sent me reeling into the doctors office. How I can be me one second and the next second I’m thinking about killing myself? Or the fact that as of late, I’ve been more and more depressed and I can barely function at work. I remember coming home early one day last month, around noon, and just going to bed until the next morning. I literally could not function.
Is this my reality from now on? Will I basically be shifting from high to low to normal and back again? Am I ready for it? Are the people in my life ready to accept me like this?
My fiancé knows but doesn’t get it, I guess. He’s seen me at my lowest and at my highest. He wants me to look at the diagnosis as a validation of my feelings instead of a life sentence. I know I’ll get there, especially as therapy progresses and the meds do their job. But I’m not there yet.
I’m not ready to accept it just yet.
For the meantime, my therapist gave me this great book. It’s hit a little close to home but I recommend it to anyone that’s been newly diagnosed.
Here’s to hoping I get some restful sleep tonight.