Oh insomnia.

1 a.m. and wide awake. I hope this isn’t the start of a hypomanic episode, though it probably is. So far, I’ve started making an apple galette from scratch and answered all my work emails for later today. My co-workers already know I’m crazy so I guess it won’t be too much of a surprise when they see the 1 a.m. time stamp :-). I’m so glad I’m no longer a student, work at least keeps me on a schedule… only 7 more hours to go!

I must admit that I do enjoy these nights.

Everything is quiet and still. There is a sense of peace that you rarely find during the day time.

Triggering co-worker.

My co-worker is a sweet, kind soul. She’s younger than me (~22 yrs) and suffers from depression and an eating disorder. We have great conversations, she’s fun to be around and I would consider her a friend. But my god… she is so triggering.

A part of me suspects she’s bipolar as well but she seems to be stable on anti-depressants, so who knows.  Lately, it seems as if everyday has been a gloom fest. She’s exhausted, falling asleep at work, can barely function. She’s super negative, mopey, and unmotivated.

I’m not trying to judge because I’ve been there. I truly know how it feels.

But it’s still really triggering. I feel like I easily absorb the emotions of others. When she’s depressed, I often find myself heading down that dark path. Sometimes I’m able to catch myself before the plunge. Other times, I fall pretty deep into that hole and it’s really hard to crawl out.

I’m not sure what to do. I can’t change seats, I can’t quit my job over this and I can’t control her moods, obviously.

I’m feeling stuck.

Lady in red: feeling seductive.

lady_in_red.

* * *

I wake up about 3 hours before my alarm, refreshed.  In the shower, I make sure to shave my legs…and my privates. Every part of me needs to be smooth to the touch.

I soothe my warm body with a lotion that claims to smell like rose and lavender. I do my hair, perfectly. My makeup is on point: not too much, just a little touch up of my best features. My outfit is well coordinated and hugs me in all the right places.  (And the color…well, it’s always red.)

…and then I realize I still have about 2 more hours until I have to get to work. 

But that doesn’t get me down. What is time, anyway? I make some coffee but forget to drink it. I don’t know what hungry feels like anymore.

I’m making plans. So many fucking plans! I know how to turn my career around, I know the people I need to get in touch with. Emails are sent. Facebook is reactivated…because well, I’m fucking social again! I want to connect with everyone and everything. Humanity isn’t doomed after all… I may have figured out a way to save it.

One more hour till work. 

I rip off my red dress and pull my hair back. I climb into bed and wake him up. First, just kissing. He tells me to go away. He’s sleeping. But of course, I don’t. I kiss his neck and he tries to resist. But I know he can’t. I work my way down from his chest, to his stomach, to his very happy dick. Good morning. 

I can feel my co-workers checking me out as I walk into work. I look pretty fucking amazing. That just fucked flush in my cheeks compliments my red dress quite well.

My boss tells me I’m on point today. That I’m doing a fantastic job. All I’m thinking is how much I want to fuck him in the bathroom. And then once again in his office. I smile and walk away. If only he knew. 

I tackle my work projects with efficiency and grace. My co-workers ask me what I’m on and start laughing. I laugh with them, maybe a little too much. I can’t sit still. How can I work in this shitty place when I have so many plans? I need to log all of my ideas into my phone before it’s too late.  I can’t forget. I have to follow through this time.

How the heck am I home already? Where did the day go? I miss him. I wish he wasn’t away on business. Why does he always enjoy leaving me? Maybe I should eat something. No, porn first. I wish I had the guts to go out to a bar and meet a stranger, but hey, this will do.

Somehow it’s midnight already and I’ve written four short stories, drafted a business plan and organized my closet. Need to sleep. But still not tired. This can’t go on tomorrow. God I hope I don’t crash. I can’t wait until my psychiatrist prescribes me something for sleep. Maybe if I just climb into bed…

Racing thoughts.

2 am. 3 am. 4 a.m.

Rise and shine. 

Making sense of feelings & accepting my diagnosis.

I think the biggest obstacle for me going forward is going to be figuring out what the fuck I’m feeling. I know I’m overanalyzing and perhaps others can chime in on their experiences with this. I literally don’t know what I’m feeling. Is what I’m feeling normal? Is it the start of something more sinister? Will I make it out of bed tomorrow or will tonight be one of those nights…and is that okay?

I would classify yesterday as a good day. I was calm, serene, level headed.

This morning, I could barely get out of bed.

Does that mean I’m falling back into the clutches of depression? Or does it mean that it’s simply Monday and I’m like everyone else struggling to get going?

Perhaps I’m trying hard to cling to the notion that I’m like everyone else. All I’ve ever wanted is to be accepted, but I’ve always been an outlier. And this diagnosis makes me even more so. (It’s the bipolar diagnosis I’m having trouble with, not borderline for whatever reason).

I’m not surprised by my diagnosis. I’ve known for a long time. I just didn’t want to get help. The hypomania is… seductive. I feel like I’m on top of the world. I’m charming, beautiful, creative. Why would I want that to end?

It’s the depression that sent me reeling into the doctors office. How I can be me one second and the next second I’m thinking about killing myself? Or the fact that as of late, I’ve been more and more depressed and I can barely function at work. I remember coming home early one day last month, around noon, and just going to bed until the next morning. I literally could not function.

Is this my reality from now on? Will I basically be shifting from high to low to normal and back again? Am I ready for it? Are the people in my life ready to accept me like this?

My fiancé knows but doesn’t get it, I guess. He’s seen me at my lowest and at my highest. He wants me to look at the diagnosis as a validation of my feelings instead of a life sentence. I know I’ll get there, especially as therapy progresses and the meds do their job. But I’m not there yet.

I’m not ready to accept it just yet.

For the meantime, my therapist gave me this great book. It’s hit a little close to home but I recommend it to anyone that’s been newly diagnosed.

facing biopolar

Here’s to hoping I get some restful sleep tonight.

Clarity

With the hypomania setting in yesterday, I wasn’t sure if I’d fall asleep last night. I was up late, but I managed to get decent sleep. I woke up this morning feeling...clear. It’s the first time I’ve felt this way in a long time. The daze has temporarily lifted and I feel like a normal person. A person with normal emotions, thoughts… a person that isn’t thinking about killing or starving herself.

I woke up this morning, made some tea and read a book.

I was nice to my significant other.

I cleaned the apartment…in a non-frenzied way.

It was amazing. It’s the little things, right?

I want this to last. I want this to last without medication. I want to feel like myself. Sadly, with this illness, that is too much to ask for. I just hope to feel this way for a bit longer. I want savor it, take it in.

I’m obsessed with you.

I realize now that most borderlines have an obsessive component to their personalities. For me, my obsessions are always about people. As of late, they have been about my boss. My married boss with kids…who is about 20 years older than me.

I wasn’t attracted to him until a few months after we started working together [over 3 years ago]. We were on our way to a conference and he showed up in khaki shorts and a polo shirt. I remember thinking: “wow, he’s so cute. why didn’t i see this before?”

I tried so hard to not think about him that way the rest of the trip but it was really fucking hard. Each scenario became dirtier and dirtier.

A part of me wished that the hotel we were staying in screwed up and we were forced to share a single room.  I wanted so badly for him to take me out to dinner. I wanted him to get me drunk and take advantage of me. Sadly, none of that happened.

We were professional. We did our thing at the conference and I came back to reality.

A lot of shit went down after that, which I won’t get into. My obsessions moved from him to someone else.

But as of late, my obsessions have shifted back to him. They have gotten pretty bad, too. All I want is for him to notice me. I want his attention, his praise, his support. And he does give me all of those things…but in a professional way.

The only reason I put on makeup or wear a great outfit in the morning is for him. I want him to think I’m attractive. I want him to touch me…in a non-professional way. Sometimes at night, I imagine him next to me. I often fall asleep to scenarios of us fucking on some random business trip after a few drinks.

The other day, he was showing something to me on his screen and I leaned in close to him. I could tell he was taking me in. I was wearing a tight shirt and I could feel his eyes on me. It was heaven.

The rational part of me knows this isn’t going anywhere, but the borderline part of me needs his validation. We have a great relationship (minus my obsessions with him) and he’s a big part of my life. His attention literally means the world to me. I get so depressed when he goes and talks to other female co-workers…more than I should. I feel rejected, abandoned. How dare he be charming with someone else? Am I not good enough? (Probably not). 

The beginning.

I honestly don’t know how to feel at this moment.

Today, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and borderline personality disorder.

I hate the fact that my symptoms and feelings can be put into a box and categorized by some PhD. I hate the fact that I’m predictable, just like I’ve always thought I was. Predictable, boring, crazy, unlovable. It was all confirmed today.

I know I should be relieved, but I’m overwhelmed. I want to heal so badly from the mental hold that consumes me all the fucking time, yet…I can’t recover from these illnesses. They are chronic and life long. If left untreated, I’m only going to get crazier. I’m going to sink further. I’m going to lose everyone around me. I still don’t know why  he stays. Maybe there is some part of me that’s lovable and kind. Sometimes I believe that to be true. Other times I wish I had the guts to just end it all. To free myself from this world, instead of just cutting myself and hoping someone would notice.

After I left the therapist today, I could feel the hypomania coming on. Perhaps it was instigated by the fake sense of caring and concern he provided. Older men have that effect on me. I want them to want me.

I don’t know where the afternoon went, my thoughts are racing far too fast for me to write them all down here. I’ve spent close to $400 today. The therapist isn’t cheap, obviously. And then then I spent another $90 on a facial, $60 at Whole foods and the rest to buy this fucking domain name. Why the hell did I feel the urge to BUY a domain?

I don’t know. I’ve felt the urge to do a lot and I’ve accomplished quite a bit. I wish I was hypomanic all the time. I would be such a pleasant, loving, energetic person.

A part of me wishes I could experience the real thing...mania. I want to know what the next level from here is. I know mania leads to a lot of uncontrollable impulsivity, but I would like to experience it just once. I want to feel so high that I may burst. I want to see where that roller coaster takes me. Maybe I shouldn’t wish for things like that. A part of me wants to be hospitalized and see how that feels. I want other people to be concerned about me. I want them to think about me. To worry about me. I want them to regret all the times they cancelled plans or forgot to text me back.

God, I am so fucked up.