Thank you & Lamictal Day 1

First of all, thank you all for the love on my last post. I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I’m starting to understand that this is an illness that I have to live with for the rest of my life. I have to accept that. And I have to take the steps to treat it.

One of the first steps is to let others help me. I’ve always been independent and am not very good at asking for help. But I’m doing just that. I have a team of medical professionals who are looking out for me. I have an amazing support system of loved ones who care about me.  And I have this community, which I am very grateful for. I’m lucky.

Today I started 25 mg of Lamictal. I don’t want to go on Lithium so I talked to my pdoc and we decided to give Lamictal a try. I will be on 25 mg for two weeks then titrate up to 50 mg, eventually reaching the therapeutic dose of 200mg. I’m going to use this blog to document my lamictal journey. Perhaps it can help others :-). [I’d like to point out that this is only medication I’m on currently. I have adderall but my pdoc suggested I cut it out since it was probably contributing to my mood swings.]

Honestly, since it’s the first day, I wasn’t expecting much. And perhaps what I’m about to say is just a placebo effect  but here it goes anyway…

-I noticed that everything was more vivid and brighter. Sharper.

I did not feel sad today, for the first time in weeks. 

-My anger was under control.

-I did not swing from one emotional roller coaster to the next.

-I feel calm and alert.

No side effects.

So far so good. Here’s to day 1!

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My cat is the only reason I haven’t killed myself.

Sad but true.

I guess it’s been a while.

I wish I could say a lot has happened, but it hasn’t.  I must admit the nothingness was quite welcome. I was so…stable. 

I felt like a normal human being. My moods were somewhat hypomanic, but not depressive. I was productive. I started working out again. Eating right. Seeing a therapist weekly and dealing with my shit. Laughing. Smiling. Washing my hair and wearing sun dresses. The past few weeks were blissful.

I questioned my bipolar diagnosis. They were all wrong! They screwed up with me. I was just going through something…but it wasn’t bipolar! I don’t need any meds! Look, I’m normal. I don’t need help.

And then the wave hit and it all fell a part.

This is the most depressed I’ve been in about a month. I feel like an idiot for thinking that this was something I could just get over.

In reality, I haven’t truly accepted my diagnosis.

I saw the psychiatrist today and he said he feels that I am closer to bipolar I than II. He wants to put me on Lithium. (I’m currently on no meds.)

I had rationalized, up to that point, that being bipolar II was “less crazy” than bipolar I. I was okay with meds, long as it was Lamictal/ something mild. My session with the MD threw me for a loop.

I don’t know what to think. He advised me to get a second opinion but silly me, I thought HE WAS THE SECOND OPINION! (My therapist/MD, who originally diagnosed me being the first).

Im so sick of this. I don’t want to try. I don’t think I can keep going. I don’t want to go through life like this anymore. I can’t accept this as my future.

It’s funny. I’m not even sad right now.

I’m numb.

Is this normal?

I’ve been asking myself that question a lot lately.

Like right now, I have the urge to go the city and see my favorite DJ play this weekend. I don’t have tickets, people to go with or a place to stay. But I figured those things will just work themselves out. I mean, what else do I have going on this Saturday?

Am I being impulsive? Am I starting to become hypomanic? Or…am I just a gal excited about seeing her favorite artist play?

#bipolarproblems

Well last night was fun.

I woke up last night around 11 pm, buzzing with energy. I knew that I simply could not go back to bed. So I didn’t. I baked, I cleaned, did laundry, answered work emails. And I also wrote some emails…at 3:30 am. One was to my best friend, telling her about my diagnosis (she still hasn’t responded yet and that’s making me quite anxious/ sad). The other was to my therapist, haha… needless to say, he ask why the heck I was up so late and if I was okay.

I told him I was, and I truly am. I enjoy hypomania and this latest episode has been quite prolific and productive. My co-workers certainly enjoyed the baked goods I brought them. One of them also asked if I was manic as a joke…little do they know!

During times like these, it feels good to have a secret thats just mine. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, I’ve been up for almost 24 hours at this point. I’ve barely eaten. There is a big snow storm coming and I offered one of my co-workers who lives far away my guest room. I probably shouldn’t have done that…

I know that I need good quality sleep tonight and food.

So that’s what I’m going to focus on at the moment. I’m not sure if the hypomania will calm down tonight. I sure as hell would rather NOT be up for another night. But who knows. I’ll let it run it’s course. This is just me, it’s a part of who I am. I’m slowly learning to be okay with it. 🙂

Oh insomnia.

1 a.m. and wide awake. I hope this isn’t the start of a hypomanic episode, though it probably is. So far, I’ve started making an apple galette from scratch and answered all my work emails for later today. My co-workers already know I’m crazy so I guess it won’t be too much of a surprise when they see the 1 a.m. time stamp :-). I’m so glad I’m no longer a student, work at least keeps me on a schedule… only 7 more hours to go!

I must admit that I do enjoy these nights.

Everything is quiet and still. There is a sense of peace that you rarely find during the day time.

Lady in red: feeling seductive.

lady_in_red.

* * *

I wake up about 3 hours before my alarm, refreshed.  In the shower, I make sure to shave my legs…and my privates. Every part of me needs to be smooth to the touch.

I soothe my warm body with a lotion that claims to smell like rose and lavender. I do my hair, perfectly. My makeup is on point: not too much, just a little touch up of my best features. My outfit is well coordinated and hugs me in all the right places.  (And the color…well, it’s always red.)

…and then I realize I still have about 2 more hours until I have to get to work. 

But that doesn’t get me down. What is time, anyway? I make some coffee but forget to drink it. I don’t know what hungry feels like anymore.

I’m making plans. So many fucking plans! I know how to turn my career around, I know the people I need to get in touch with. Emails are sent. Facebook is reactivated…because well, I’m fucking social again! I want to connect with everyone and everything. Humanity isn’t doomed after all… I may have figured out a way to save it.

One more hour till work. 

I rip off my red dress and pull my hair back. I climb into bed and wake him up. First, just kissing. He tells me to go away. He’s sleeping. But of course, I don’t. I kiss his neck and he tries to resist. But I know he can’t. I work my way down from his chest, to his stomach, to his very happy dick. Good morning. 

I can feel my co-workers checking me out as I walk into work. I look pretty fucking amazing. That just fucked flush in my cheeks compliments my red dress quite well.

My boss tells me I’m on point today. That I’m doing a fantastic job. All I’m thinking is how much I want to fuck him in the bathroom. And then once again in his office. I smile and walk away. If only he knew. 

I tackle my work projects with efficiency and grace. My co-workers ask me what I’m on and start laughing. I laugh with them, maybe a little too much. I can’t sit still. How can I work in this shitty place when I have so many plans? I need to log all of my ideas into my phone before it’s too late.  I can’t forget. I have to follow through this time.

How the heck am I home already? Where did the day go? I miss him. I wish he wasn’t away on business. Why does he always enjoy leaving me? Maybe I should eat something. No, porn first. I wish I had the guts to go out to a bar and meet a stranger, but hey, this will do.

Somehow it’s midnight already and I’ve written four short stories, drafted a business plan and organized my closet. Need to sleep. But still not tired. This can’t go on tomorrow. God I hope I don’t crash. I can’t wait until my psychiatrist prescribes me something for sleep. Maybe if I just climb into bed…

Racing thoughts.

2 am. 3 am. 4 a.m.

Rise and shine.