My cat is the only reason I haven’t killed myself.

Sad but true.

I guess it’s been a while.

I wish I could say a lot has happened, but it hasn’t.  I must admit the nothingness was quite welcome. I was so…stable. 

I felt like a normal human being. My moods were somewhat hypomanic, but not depressive. I was productive. I started working out again. Eating right. Seeing a therapist weekly and dealing with my shit. Laughing. Smiling. Washing my hair and wearing sun dresses. The past few weeks were blissful.

I questioned my bipolar diagnosis. They were all wrong! They screwed up with me. I was just going through something…but it wasn’t bipolar! I don’t need any meds! Look, I’m normal. I don’t need help.

And then the wave hit and it all fell a part.

This is the most depressed I’ve been in about a month. I feel like an idiot for thinking that this was something I could just get over.

In reality, I haven’t truly accepted my diagnosis.

I saw the psychiatrist today and he said he feels that I am closer to bipolar I than II. He wants to put me on Lithium. (I’m currently on no meds.)

I had rationalized, up to that point, that being bipolar II was “less crazy” than bipolar I. I was okay with meds, long as it was Lamictal/ something mild. My session with the MD threw me for a loop.

I don’t know what to think. He advised me to get a second opinion but silly me, I thought HE WAS THE SECOND OPINION! (My therapist/MD, who originally diagnosed me being the first).

Im so sick of this. I don’t want to try. I don’t think I can keep going. I don’t want to go through life like this anymore. I can’t accept this as my future.

It’s funny. I’m not even sad right now.

I’m numb.

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7 thoughts on “My cat is the only reason I haven’t killed myself.

  1. kbailey374 says:

    It took a long time for me to get a diagnosis. Until I had the right one I could not be given the right meds. Now you can, and you may find everything gets better. It’s worth a try. You’re worth a try!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kayden says:

    Listen, I know exactly what you’re going through. I went through a wave of depression last week, and I wish it on no one. You’ve got to live to prove to yourself that you can beat this. I’m letting you know, if you need anything, just let me know, alright?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. WarpedAsylum says:

    I understand this all too well. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was inpatient at 15. Im 21 now and I have just began accepting my diagnose. It took a very serious manic episode followed by a very low depressive episode to even get me to consider that they were right. I don’t have anything else to say, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone and I’m very happy you have your cat in this moment. It’s amazing how helpful pets can be in dealing with mental illness. I hope your mood turns around soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. AmericanApostate says:

    I know that “numb” feeling all too well. It’s good to see that you’re at least trying to get help. Hang in there.

    Like

  5. Zoe says:

    If you don’t feel comfortable with Lithium tell him so. There are other options. I’m currently diagnosed as bipolar I and I’m not on lithium. It’s possible. Ask him about your other choices.

    Like

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