I realize now that most borderlines have an obsessive component to their personalities. For me, my obsessions are always about people. As of late, they have been about my boss. My married boss with kids…who is about 20 years older than me.
I wasn’t attracted to him until a few months after we started working together [over 3 years ago]. We were on our way to a conference and he showed up in khaki shorts and a polo shirt. I remember thinking: “wow, he’s so cute. why didn’t i see this before?”
I tried so hard to not think about him that way the rest of the trip but it was really fucking hard. Each scenario became dirtier and dirtier.
A part of me wished that the hotel we were staying in screwed up and we were forced to share a single room. I wanted so badly for him to take me out to dinner. I wanted him to get me drunk and take advantage of me. Sadly, none of that happened.
We were professional. We did our thing at the conference and I came back to reality.
A lot of shit went down after that, which I won’t get into. My obsessions moved from him to someone else.
But as of late, my obsessions have shifted back to him. They have gotten pretty bad, too. All I want is for him to notice me. I want his attention, his praise, his support. And he does give me all of those things…but in a professional way.
The only reason I put on makeup or wear a great outfit in the morning is for him. I want him to think I’m attractive. I want him to touch me…in a non-professional way. Sometimes at night, I imagine him next to me. I often fall asleep to scenarios of us fucking on some random business trip after a few drinks.
The other day, he was showing something to me on his screen and I leaned in close to him. I could tell he was taking me in. I was wearing a tight shirt and I could feel his eyes on me. It was heaven.
The rational part of me knows this isn’t going anywhere, but the borderline part of me needs his validation. We have a great relationship (minus my obsessions with him) and he’s a big part of my life. His attention literally means the world to me. I get so depressed when he goes and talks to other female co-workers…more than I should. I feel rejected, abandoned. How dare he be charming with someone else? Am I not good enough? (Probably not).